Death to Bambi

May 19, 2011 by Sara

I hate Bambi.

I hate ALL deer actually. They totally, TOTALLY suck.

Forget their cute little spindly legs and their prancing little gaits. They are the worst, most useless little shits to walk the planet.

OK PETA, back off. Let me tell you WHY I hate these guys so much and I think you will agree…

First of all and most importantly deer serve NO purpose on this planet. What are they good for? Think about it. Nothing! They are conduits for ticks carrying Lyme’s disease and they jump in front of moving vehicles.  Did you know that deer cause more than 1.5 MILLION car accidents a year, which cause over one BILLION dollars in damage?? 150 of the deer collisions are fatal, and there are more than 10,000 people injured by these accidents! [Source].

I mean seriously, do we need this America?

My personal beef is that it’s spring and despite my attempts to ban them from the backyard, the deer have declared my roses to be the new “all you-can-eat buffet” around here. The tender buds on my poor defenseless roses have been gnawed viciously, left to the stubs. They look so sad and naked with their little pruned branches. It’s heartbreaking.

I TRY to garden. I plant, I weed. I fertilize. I TRY to have a green thumb. And yet, these little fuckers completely undermine my efforts with one simple chomp.

So I’m pissed.

I don’t know if it’s unique to the deer in my area but these stinkers are stealthy. (Maybe they’re a special strain of smart deer?) They arrive undetected and never leave a trace except for the neatly mowed line on anything just about to bloom and smell delicious.  I would expect any animal that gorges excessively like this to leave some sort of trace, some kind of evidence, SOMETHING in the form of poop.

But there’s nothing, nada.  Just sad naked rose bushes.

We have a large dog, Cooper who doesn’t seem to threaten them at all. We’ve tried urinating along the fence to deter them.  Not me, but the dog, my son and yes even my husband. We heard that works. It doesn’t.

Alex even rigged a special deer fence last year to keep them out. It worked well… until now.  Clearly they’ve found a new way in. Stealthy smart bastards.

And I’m pissed.

So I’m declaring it deer hunting season, 3 months early.

Venison anyone?

 

P.S. I apologize for the profanity, it’s rare for me, but when you’re pissed, you’re pissed.

 

 

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My Toy Story 3 Rant

Mar 12, 2011 by Sara

OK here it is; I know I’m totally alone on this one, but as a Mom I think Toy Story 3 sucks.

Remember on Seinfeld how Elaine hated The English Patient but everyone on the planet thought it was the greatest movie ever? I feel kind of like Elaine. Toy Story 3 was awful.

 

Elaine: Oh, come on. Good? What was good about it? (scoffs) Those sex scenes! I mean, please! Gimme something I can use!

***

Elaine: Hey, what’re you guys doing here?
Lisa: We just saw The English Patient again.
Gail: It’s even better the second time.
Elaine: They make it longer?

See here’s why I’m so ticked off. My husband and I love going to the movies but my kids don’t. My daughter’s first exposure to the movies was with her grandparents when they prematurely took her to the 3-D showing of Sharkboy and Lavagirl at 9 months of age. She’s been scarred ever since and somehow this fear has trickled over onto my son who refuses to go as well.

So I was really excited when Toy Story 3 came out because:

a) I’d seen Toy Story 1 and 2 before we had kids and loved them both and

b) it was rated G and I might be able to convince my kids to give it a try.

How this movie passed as rated ‘G’ is ridiculous.

This movie is SO dark and disturbing.

In case you haven’t heard, in Toy Story 3 the regular cast of  friendly characters

find themselves donated to Sunnyside Day Care center. The center has its own top dog, Lotso, who has a seriously dark side, and his gang: Stretch, Sparks, Twitch, Ken, Chunk, Big Baby, Bookworm and The Toy Monkey make Woody, Buzz and pals’ lives hell.

 

These toys are CREEPY. Most of all, I was totally freaked out by the demonic little organ grinding monkey with cymbals. This guy:

This guy’s red eyes and creepy cymbal clapping made my skin crawl. But apparently, I’m the only one that thinks this as even the New York Times thought he was worthy enough to interview (yes, they interviewed a toy). Read the NYT interview here.

The point where I really lost it with Pixar was at the double climax.  First the toys are pushed into a dumpster and then taken in a dump truck. All of this set to VERY scary music.  My kids were scrambling to leave the theater but I desperately wanted them to stay until the end, it has to have a happy ending right? I convinced them to stay which was probably not my proudest parenting moment, we should have left. THEN the Toys narrowly, and I mean NARROWLY escape a FIERY INCINERATOR. How is this imagery ok for little kids?

I was so annoyed. My kids first real movie and they are petrified. We watched the last 10 minutes of the film standing in the aisle so we could bolt in case they needed to. They were SO scared!

Yes, the story ends with a nice moral, lots of people cry when they see Toy Story 3. Afterall, the first movie in the trilogy came out in 1995 and we have in a sense grown up with Andy and his toys.

Yes, there are morals sewn in through out the story: Be nice to others. Take care of your toys.

But to me this movie was completely overhyped and definitely NOT appropriate for a ‘G’ rating – who did Pixar pay to get that?

What did you think? Did you love Toy Story 3?

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