The ‘YES’ Experiment
Heading to bed last night, I was exhausted, fried, just plain done.
It had been one of those days where I thought, ugh… I am SO sick of hearing myself say “no!” all day long to the kids. Everything turned into a battle and I’d had it.
So I lay there… wondering what if? What if, I just said YES? Yes, to everything. To anything that they wanted, asked for -to absolutely anything? What was the worst that could happen?
The idea was frightening but also exhilarating. Maybe I could, for just one day, be that super cool mom whose kids adore her, and they never whine, and they never argue or try to negotiate and wear her down. That could be me… for just one day.
So I planned it out. For one day, I would say ‘Yes’ to no matter what they asked for.*
The next morning I woke up and to be honest had completely forgotten about my self-made pact until the first request came in at 7:09AM.
“Mommy, can I have a marshmallow?”
“No.. I mean, wait… Sure.”
“Really?”
“Yes, you can have a marshmallow.”
Oh jeez, what I am doing?!?
Then I thought: That wasn’t too bad… and my ‘cool’ factor was definitely soaring.
Next came a request for them to make their own salami sandwiches in shapes using cookie cutters, for breakfast.
I grit my teeth… um, okay…
Keep in mind, my two monkeys have no idea that I had made this contract with myself, these are the standard requests that I field on a daily basis. Oh but it gets better.
So after they properly nourished themselves for the day (salami heart shaped sandwiches = breakfast of champions) they headed off to school. The good part was there had not been any time-outs, no arguing and so far, I’m kind of digging this experiment. I’m a rock star.
After school, they wanted a snack and spied the caramel apples I’d brought home. They wanted it and hot chocolate too.
Um, okay… There’s an apple under those 2 inches of chocolate and caramel right? That’s healthy isn’t it? Normally one slice would have been my allotment but they practically polished this giant confection off.
Next, they wanted to plant the seeds I’d brought home from the garden show. So I said YES, and we planted tomatoes, red peppers and basil seeds. That was a very nice project together and my seedlings are started, yay!
Dinner time rolled around and I got this: “Mommy I’m going to eat naked”
Um… Great!!
Seriously, do they KNOW that I’ve decided to do this today? Is this a joke?
After dinner my five year old informed me that she was putting on a play tomorrow afternoon at our house and could I please send emails to invite the entire class to come. Oh yeah, and she’d like them to wear their pajamas and for me to give everyone food.
Hold on a second. 19 kids for a pseudo-sleepover?!? OK, experiment officially over.
So what did I learn?
- Not being able to say no, made me realize how quickly and easily it rolls off my tongue. I need to try harder to find creative answers to the even the most ridiculous requests. Obviously we won’t be having marshmallows as a breakfast snack but it would feel better for me and for them if I could steer them to other acceptable options in another way without saying ‘no’.
- My kids do not have the best eating habits. When left to their own devices my kids eat crap. Not once did they ask for a carrot or water. Yikes.
- Most importantly, I don’t always have to say ‘no’. They didn’t have the best diet today but the fun they had and I had with them was great because ‘no’ didn’t stifle our creativity and activities. It was a great day.
So what do you think? Was I nuts? Would you do it? Would you try to not say no for one whole day? Could you do it? What’s the worst that could happen?
* With 2 exceptions, TV would still be limited to 2 shows and I would say no if I thought the request was in any way dangerous.
This is reminding me of that movie, Yes Man. I think there are ways to appear agreeable while steering someone away from an option. It takes some energy and thought, though. Kudos to you for sticking with your pact with yourself
Very cool experiment. I’m definitely a believer in picking your battles, but I will remind myself of this tomorrow. So, no performance tomorrow? ;0)
I think its great. I try really hard to not say no. Even if the answer is no, I use other language to persuade grant. I wish I could stop saying yes to avery. Ie its 2am, she’s 8mo old and I am awake feeding her so she would go back to sleep (really so I could!). I want to say NO I will NOT feed you, go to sleep! But…I don’t. Oh well. Lol
Andrea Shay Mooradian go to sleep crazy momma! Masa R. Masuyama that was a good movie, but I think you’d like Never Say Never better (Bieber not Bond version) and Kitty Kroha Stephens there will still be a performance just no extended audience
I love the experiment you did! Sounds like it helped you manage your own stress and have fun with the kids too. Love that you planted seeds in your garden together. Not sure you saw this when I posted it a few months ago, but I think it is a cool way to teach kids about what they are eating. If you scroll down on the page, there are demos of the dvds, http://www.davidkatzmd.com/nutritiondetectives.aspx
I love this experiment and I’m so glad that I could learn from you before I try it!
Reading your thoughts, I realized that just last night, I was immersed in the exact opposite child-rearing philosophy while reading “Battle Hymn of the Mother Tiger,” by Amy Chua. Have you read it?! (I bet you have.) I would love to have a discussion about that!! It’s hard to completely negate Chua’s arguments, even though as Westerners, everything in our body’s want to automatically write-off parenting and education that doesn’t support the “whole child,” with special consideration to self-esteem. Sara, get back to me on this if you have any thoughts! =)
Hi Alli, What an interesting comparison! I hadn’t thought of that… I read the articles on it and the response from the author of Nurture Shock but I have to admit I have not read the actual book by Amy Chua. I really should. OK I will… My night stand is going to topple over pretty soon. But it really is amazing the shift in parenting that has happened not just culturally but also within the US. Our parents were not nearly as guilt-ridden as we’ve made ourselves. I’ve also read John Rosenblum (he’s good and old school) and I really like Betsy Brown Braun’s approach. OK I’ll commit to reading the full book and get back to you! Thanks for the comment.
Not saying no would be very difficult for me! Good for you for trying it for one day!
Thanks Keeny. I just checked out that link and will have a look. It seems great. They also do a Healthy Choices week at Anna’s school, maybe this would be a good fit. What’s the link to your post?
this is my health coaching business facebook page: Revampologist: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Revampologist-by-Kareen-Zahr-Walsh/190059474341902 I tend to post tips, articles, and updates here regarding my practice and what I am learning along the way.
The question about eating dinner naked was the best one. I think you learned some valuable lessons with this experiment.
Tell the kids you’re playing a game. You have “yes” written on one piece of paper, and “no” on another. When they ask for something, and it’s something you’re okay with, you magically pull out the yes paper, and vice versa. They won’t even know the difference.
I adore this! Like really adore! I, too, find myself falling into the “no” trap too often. I love that you experimented with this an I also love that you knew when you’d had enough. I’ve heard the “Yes, if” trick before and I like that, too. But mostly I’m impressed with how mindful you are about your parenting!
interesting experiment – good for you!
I believe this is a Jim Carrey movie. Hold on for a second while I look it up. Ah yes! Yes Man. I do not recommend it. But I’m glad someone has used this experiment in a valuable type fashion that won’t cost me $13 I’ll never get back.
I’ve often thought of doing this. I can’t believe you actually DID! It made for a great post though! I laughed my way through it.
It was pretty funny – not sure I would do it again for a long time. It has made me much more aware of the moments when I can say YES instead of NO and it was fun. I recommend it if you want to have a wild and wacky sugar fueled day!