Mommy why is my fish doing the backstroke? R.I.P. Holla
Today we said goodbye to Holla, my 5 1/2 year old daughter’s goldfish. He She was more than just a party favor from my nephew’s birthday 2 months ago (just wait dear sister, just you wait…) he she was our pet.
Goodbye Holla. died March 6, 2011
I was shocked this morning when I noticed the fish belly up and bloated in the tank; she had been happily swimming the night before. Anna immediately burst into tears and sobbed when I stupidly blurted out: “Oh honey, I think your fish has died.” Clearly I was not prepared for this moment, although I probably should have been.
Because we’ve always spoken openly about “Mommy’s Mommy” and how she’s in heaven now, I thought we had established a good vocabulary on the subject. Losing a little goldfish wouldn’t be traumatic… right? But I couldn’t have been more wrong and quickly realized that a 5 1/2 year old has a lot more questions than she did when she was 3.
After LOTS of cuddles and finally dry eyes, we started talking about Holla and how she went to “fishy heaven.”
But when she asked through the sniffles, “Why did Holla die?” I again stupidly said: “Maybe Holla was sick…”
The little voice on my shoulder screamed: “Survey says…WRONG ANSWER!” Apparently, the first rule in talking to your kids about death and dying is don’t use the word ‘sick’ or else you are going to freak them out the next time they or you come down a runny nose!
Clearly I was botching this explanation so I ran and got one of my new favorite parenting books. I needed a script to follow here as this was just too important to screw up. Luckily I had heard a great child development specialist, Betsy Brown Braun, recently on a Parent Experiment podcast. She was so compelling that I immediately bought 2 of her books, the first being: Just Tell Me What To Say. It’s become my go-to manual as she has great advice and actual scripts on how to talk to your kid(s) about death and other tricky subjects.
So I literally read from the book, and then went a little off-script and mentioned that Holla’s little fishy body had stopped working and her soul had moved on. Wait… Her WHAT?… Mommy, what’s a soul?
Er… Ahh… Ummm…. Hold On… <fervently flipping the pages ahead…>… let’s see… ah yes…
So I went on to explain to her, in 5 1/2 year old terms, what a soul is. That it’s the part of you that you can’t see but is what makes you – you. Not an easy concept to explain. The best part was Betsy Brown Braun had a little hands on demonstration you can do with the kids.
- Find a clear plastic or glass cup.
- Fill it three-quarters of the way with warm water. Ask your child to taste it and confirm that it is indeed water.
- Fill a small cup with granulated sugar. Ask your child to taste it and confirm that it is indeed sugar.
- Mix several tablespoons of the sugar in the water, stirring until it is dissolved.
- Ask the child where the sugar went. Hopefully, she will say that it has disappeared, it is gone.
- Ask her to taste the sugar-water. She will say it is sweet.
- Ask her why it is sweet. Hopefully, she will say because there is sugar in it.
- You will reply: So, the sugar is there even though you can’t see it? It’s like a person’s soul. It is there, but you just can’t see it.”
Genius right? Anna got it and liked the fact that we had done a little experiment too. We moved forward with our day and planned a service to say good-bye to Holla in the backyard. Her four year old little brother, Jack, could have cared less, he kept saying that Holla had already been flushed. Nice, right??
Anna made a card that said “I love you Holla” that we buried with her in the rain.
In the end, I was the only that got teary-eyed over the fish – it was such a sweet and touching moment, but then again I’m the mush.
Following the service, Anna immediately asked when we can get another fish. Um… ok… I guess you are ok…
So tell me, how do you talk about these trickier topics with your kids? Any good scripts to share?
Awwww…poor Holla. Lila desperately wants a goldfish and I am really reluctant because I literally never had one in my life that lived more than a few weeks…I hope everyone is adjusting well.
I am going to go find that book tomorrow, by the way. I do love a good parenting book.
Thanks Selena. The book is GREAT her other book is called You’re Not the Boss of Me and it’s fantastic too. I’m not sure why I hadn’t heard of her before because she just makes SO much sense! Let me know what you think of it. Everyone here is recovering ok from the trauma of losing Holla. I’m paranoid about checking the fish – am so worried another one is going to kick the bucket!! thanks for stopping by! Sara
I guess life’s biggest lessons happen before you can prepare for them. But I love that experiment. My sister is a developmental psychologist (she posts on my blog every Wednesday) and she has a similar approach. Give specific instructions what to say and do. It’s so much more helpful than speaking generally.
Also— I had about eight goldfish growing up. Each one named Gurdy. Gurdy I, Gurdy II, Gurdy III, etc. That way the memory of the first one never left.